Neutral or Multipartial
A great example of a mental shortcut that we all use, that gets us deeper into conflict is "You never..!" Once you recognize "You never..." as a poorly phrased request for someone to do more of something, you'll never hear it the same way again.
"You always..!" is simply a childishly phrased request for someone to do less of something.
Often revenge presents as a willingness to hurt, lower, or reduce ourselves and/or our loved ones in order to hurt another.
So why are people so enamored with this primitive set of emotions? Well, because its primitive, hardwired into our deep consciousness. Why might that be?
Hard-wiring tends to evolve around social benefits. Revenge tends to revolve around social rules violations. So when we feel strongly that our rules have been violated, we are more likely to be willing to sacrifice our own well being in order to punish the offender.
In this way, revenge may be thought of as a form of altruism. But are, can you evolve beyond your primitive instinctive reactions? This might help...
Stop and ask yourself this question first. Is punishing this person for this offense - this rules-violation - worth my well being?
Cognitive biases are mental shortcuts and psychological distortions that affect judgment and decision making. Here are a few that affect everyday decision-making.
How do our mental shortcuts sometimes affect our view of "others" ?
Humans are emotional beings, driven by a complex network of neuro-chemical structures. The amygdala is a small primitive brain, buried deep inside the highly-evolved, decision-making brain, the cerebral cortex.
Everything comes in to us through the very fast-acting amygdala first, because this is the emergency fight-or-flight center. That's what kept cave-people alive when caught by surprise.
When triggered ("YOU ALWAYS!" or RULE-VILOLATION!), the unsophisticated amygdala has a choice to make:
You know it. You've felt it. You've even seen it on TV, at the end of a foot pursuit.
People act badly, when in conflict. Here's what you can do.
... charging by the insult, lol, because it takes the most time undoing the damage caused by insults in mediation. Once you realize, insults say very little about the human being insulted, but insults contain hidden confessions and requests by the human slinging the insult.
TO Contact us
Southern California Family Mediation
PO Box 7576 Burbank, CA 91510
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Supervisor Naomi Tillman 818-575-6900 (no text) nellieT@dependencymediation.org
Mediation & Education Systems Director, Southern California Family Mediation
Mediator Drew, firstname.lastname@example.org
Southern California Family Mediation is a 501(c)3